I Know It's My Fault, Okay? I KNOW!

I know!!!
It's not the Quek guy's fault that I did not pass the damn interview.
It's my fault okay!! I was sooo nervous that I performed so badly that I wanna find a hole and hide everytime I think about it.

And now I ended up in twinning programme in IMU.
I'm very, very disappointed with myself honestly.
I'm not saying that the twinning programme is not good (in fact the entry requirement for the programme is higher compared to monash), but now my parents have to take out almost twice as much of the money required for medic in Monash.

I tried to persuade my parents to let me do the local IMU programme or go Manipal instead, I really tried...
But they insisted on their decision of putting me in the twinning programme, keep telling me that don't worry about the fees.
They even planned everything ahead - me going overseas to get my "Dr." and work there for a couple of years.. Then they will send my bro and then my sis along to stay with me and further their studies there.

I know I laid a great financial burden on the family.. I really do..

Although my dad didn't say much, but he's planning to sell our new house (yeah, the house which I told some of you that we would be moving in - years ago).

My mom, on the other hand, keep reminding me about the financial stress - cut down my allowances, pretend she didn't hear a thing when I say I want to buy books, give lecture when my siblings want to go some expensive restaurant for dinner.. I'm not being too sensitive or something okay.. But whatever she do or say, purposely or not, keep reminding me about our financial situation..

My brothers - blame me for the not-moving-to-our-new-house.
Whenever my little bro wants to buy something and my mom says no, he will reply (loud enough for me to hear, purposely I suppose) with " neeh he lo, study need so much money, now I cannot buy this this that that lok".



Although my dad said it's worth it, but nobody ever knew that the guilt I face -especially when I see the increasing amount my parents' of white hairs - is unbearable and it's killing me inside out..

Some people, when they get to know how much it will cost to complete the course, they will say "wow you're damn rich!!" or even laugh at me because they can do medic course at a much lower price..
Little did they know that what they said really had the effect of putting a handful of salt on a wound.. I have learnt my lesson.. and I swear I will not reveal the cost to anyone again..



I know I'm responsible for all this.. And it's all my fault.. Starting from the failure to perform in the Monash interview.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night.. Keep thinking about the situation I'm putting my family through now.. I really really feel very bad and weak, feel that I'm useless..
I tried to open up to some people, but everytime they replied me with "hey, I'm not asleep yet.. Anything ar? ".. I really can't find the right words.. or figure out where to start..

Sigh. At first I don't want to blog about this.. But I figure out that this thing- this feeling- needs a way out, desperately. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. Thanks for reading anyway.